well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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