how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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