he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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