I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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