I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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