about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
