just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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