Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
