Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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