sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
