Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
I am spending my child support on dildos
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?