someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
