2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
