I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
