Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Life is so much better after having sex.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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