It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
