trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Enjoy the penises
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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