bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
