around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
