I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
