Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Holy shit dude........stairs
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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