Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
