Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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