so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
