You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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