is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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