So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
