Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
