Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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