I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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