OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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