I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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