This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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