i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
