Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
