I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
