I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
