clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
