You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
