Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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