Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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