In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
