My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
