You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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