I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
