Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
