i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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