Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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