You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
