I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
