Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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