I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
