Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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